Monday, March 8, 2010

often i'll sit here and mull over life. and today i've a beautiful, gentle epiphany.

Dear all,

Perhaps this may seem very trivial. In fact, it probably isn't any big deal, but I just can’t keep it to myself.

I was just looking at breathtaking photographs. People suspended in midair over bodies of water, strips of land, daring action shots, poses, all that magic. And I mull it over. First my mind thinks, I wish I could take photographs like that. But then I stop myself.

I can.

It’s just a matter of daring.

Of taking risks, of chancing, of courting danger, of inviting thrill, something that I’ve become rather nervously fond of, if that makes any sense.

And I realize I’ve already come a bit of a fair way from where I first started out in photography. A girl who just simply wanted to capture memories. And now it is not only to immortalize such precious, beautiful moments of my/your/our lives, but also the goal to paint or tell a story, a powerful story, to present an anecdote, a story within a story, to awe, to frighten, to evoke raw emotion in the people around me.

I never really quite had the courage to do flamboyant or audacious things, though I’ve always relished the idea. But now, things are changing, maybe it’s safe to say that I am changing, to be me. I don’t know who I was years ago. When I was a child, I was me. And when I was ten, I was not me. Nor was I me at the age of 12. But now I am me.

To be less inhibited by feelings of paranoia, fearing how people will judge me because I like to do certain things or act a certain way. I’ve become more at ease with myself. In fact, I love myself.

It’s not a matter of narcissism.

I love myself, simple as that.

And I also have allowed myself to love this world and this life even more each time I peer through my companion’s lens. What a far cry from the hateful, bitter preteen I was.

Photography is so wonderful, lovely, and beautiful. Photography is so special to me that it is ineffable.

And yet I still wonder what it is that I ultimately wish for in photography—in my photography. What is its true purpose? What sort of magic can I call my own? How can I change a life with my dream?

But I am sure that answer will reveal itself to me; it will come with time, with tears, with love, with memories.

I don’t know if I’ve conveyed how grateful I am.

Thank you, cousin of mine who bought me my first camera.

Thank you, moon, for keeping me awake and restless at night as I peered at you for hours from the windowsill, wishing I had something to capture you.

Thank you, people and friends for being in my life, for being here for me, for not scoffing at my dream (and even if you do, you don't show it, so that is quite alright).

Thank you, photographers who constantly inspire me to pursue my biggest dream.

Thank you, world and life.