Friday, April 9, 2010

These days, I feel as if I am despairing far more than I ever have before. And it's not just despairing. It feels like I'm at the early stage of death--the first phase, where I feel nothing but despair and downright tiredness to the core. I feel as if I am a tattered rag doll that wheezes when it is shaken and otherwise tumbles and crumples when it attempts to stay standing. And when it is shaken, something rattles in it like a death knell.

Not only am I not doing well (I'm doing terribly, I probably have straight B's aside from PE and Journalism) in school, but now I no longer feel or mind anything aside from the fact that I am a lost cause.

Even my piano teacher seemed to have identified a sort of tiredness--"a look of defeat" as she said--in me, that she had never seen before when I messed up both my duet and solo during rehearsal.

It's just grades, grades, grades. And deteriorating health. I think of nothing except my physical condition and status in academics.

And dreams? I even dared come to the conclusion that they do not help at all at the present. They matter not. What seems to only matter to me now is being recalled to life and school.

At this point I don't plead anymore. I just sigh and quietly look on, or my eyes close and that's the end of that.

It's so damn pathetic, isn't it? Yes, you must think it's pathetic. It is.

And it's so pathetic that I'm sitting here right now talking about this, but I figure that somehow it'll straighten me up. Maybe. Or maybe make me feel a little better temporarily--for a fleeting moment. I know that whatever feelings I get from writing this will result in nothing.