Wednesday, April 28, 2010

My dad just told me that he has "given up on me" and that he doesn't "give a damn." He even said it in front of my mother's altar.


Honestly, if this were the me from a year ago, I would be scared out of my wits, quietly begging for forgiveness in my head.

But right now I don't feel anything like that. I might be a little afraid--of what this brings, a little angry that he doesn't understand anything besides red letters that supposedly determine a person's fate and intellectual, and a little sad that things have become like "this," and certainly confused--not confused as in "I don't know how this happen" but confused as in, "Where do I go now?"

As you may or may not know, the past two or three weeks have truthfully been one of the worst of my life. Everything is taking its toll.

My mind is in a mess. I'm not particularly worried that he doesn't give a damn about me--when has he truly ever? It's more like how I ought to show my face in my house, if I should starve myself and avoid eating dinner, if I should walk across the highway to get to my piano lesson instead of relying on my dad.

So I'm not sure if he said it as a warning or if it is in act right now: he said he's not paying for my college tuition.

It's not like I want you to. If it were legal for me to work, I'd have gotten a job long ago.

I want to run away from my house. I've imagined this scenario a lot of times, but it never really comes to fruition even in my imagination.I'm not that gutsy, unfortunately. And I don't really have any money of my own. If I did, I would buy a one-way ticket to someplace far away--it doesn't even have to be New York City. Just anywhere far away from this place so that I'll never have to come back, so that they can't ever find me again.

But that's running away, and I don't do that. I unfortunately stand, maybe quiver a bit, but stand my ground and fight it head on.

For a moment there, I felt my eyes water. But now the terrible sensation is gone, and my hands feel very cold, and I feel hollow and unmoved. I don't know what to make of it.

I think I've come to a point in the road where I have full-on slammed into a barrier that for the time being is unbreakable. I kept telling myself I would overcome it and smash through it completely, that I am strong, but now it seems as if I am nothing now, and I have nothing.