Today, May 12, 2010, I walked in the rain. It was raining.
Just minutes ago, I had cried. And it wasn't just simply crying--it was crying in public--in front of someone other than myself. It has been years since I've cried in public. I can't even remember--maybe I was six the last time I cried in public. It was so...I don't know how to describe it. I don't think crying is pathetic. It's just the face and the sounds that I make were so...I don't know. Actually, I didn't exactly cry out loud. The tears just flowed out and I held my voice in, though sniffling sounds were heard. That doesn't sound elegant.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know whether to feel freer than ever before because I walked in the rain, without an umbrella, moments after that scene. My eyes were puffy from crying, and they were red and watery, but who cares. I was walking across the sidewalk into the little path amidst the trees, to the usual place--the valley. My heart did feel lighter, a teensy bit. I didn't have a lump in my throat like I normally did.
And guess what?
I pledged to the crying sky, I pledged to the raining sky, I pledged to the clouds and the sun the following:
"I am going to rock high school, I am going to rock sophomore year. I am going to prove everyone who didn't believe in me wrong. I am going to follow my dreams. I am strong."
I literally said it out loud, to the sky. Passerby, if there were any, must have thought I was truly a nutcase.
But it felt...good. The next time, I'll scream it.
So many things have been hitting me these two days. Today I came home and my dad sat me down, gave me a talk, a hard talk. It wasn't scolding, it was just a hard talk. And then off I went to piano. And then my piano teacher told me I didn't seem to have the confidence I used to have, or the commitment, and I didn't seem to be the "Miranda I used to be." I don't know how that eventually led to me crying there, but...
I don't know.
I don't feel any worries right now, even though it will be hard facing my parents at dinner.
I am going to sleep nicely tonight, I am going to wake up early tomorrow morning and salute mother's altar, and then I am going to fix myself a delicious breakfast. And then I'll walk out the door, and sing and dance freely the whole way to the bus stop.