Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I think my head is going to explode from everything everyone has ever said to me about quitting newspaper and about how I am going to fail and how no college will accept me.

Yes. I am failing right now--I pretty much had a B or B+ average since the second and third quarter. I have been down in the dumps for these few quarters.

But I honestly feel as though I have grown stronger and that I am making a comeback since, well, this Sunday. I did practically all my work, felt better than I ever have in ages, and I have been diligently doing work and have not been falling asleep in class these past few days. These past few days, no one has uttered a word to me about quitting newspaper, unlike the past month where I spent every day being ripped to pieces by my family.

Until this afternoon. When my aunt picked me up from after school, she started to talk most vehemently about how her coworker told her about her son, who got a 1900 on his SATs but only got accepted into two schools--two"bad" schools (GMU and VCU) because he didn't turn in homework or do well in classes the last two years of high school. She kept on repeating, over and over, how I will ultimately fail if I continue doing newspaper.

In my head, I was screaming incoherent words, sounds, to block out all the words she was saying. I was sincerely afraid that I would again become reduced to a piece of shit if I heard any more of her discouraging words (that's an understatement). I have told myself, and I believe it: I am strong. But during the whole car ride back, she literally was non-stop repeating, "Quit newspaper, you're going to fail if you don't and no college will accept you."

I could think of a thousand different retorts, a thousand different ways I'd argue back to that statement, but all I want to do right now is cry, honestly. Way to be strong.

But I'm definitely going to prove that I'll continue newspaper regardless of whatever anyone says, and that I'm going to get through high school better than I am now. I hesitate to say straight A's. But I'm going to pull myself up while keeping newspaper. I'm going to prove them wrong.

It just makes me so sad to think that no one has every believed in me, ever, even when I was getting all A's with the exception of one or two B+'s . I was having that good streak until the middle of second quarter this year, and now things have slid down. But throughout most of my life, I've gotten nothing but A's with the exception of one or two B's, and now, because of these past two/three quarters, my whole family thinks that I'm destined to fail/there is no hope for me.

Honestly, I dream of the day of graduation, when I will be standing at a podium NOT saying, "I am truly grateful for all the support my family has given me." YEAH RIGHT. I'll be saying, "HAH. FUCK YOU ALL WHO DIDN'T BELIEVE IN ME!" And I will have passed high school with flying colors.


Shannon said...

I have absolute faith you're going to make it.

I know you know this, but remember that newspaper is the single best thing to have on a college application other than your rocking grades. It shows communication, leadership/teamwork, business skills, computer skills... it does everything.

And crying doesn't make a person any less strong. You're stronger when you can cry and come back from it.