Saturday, November 21, 2009

Tribute and Speculation: Daul Kim

Now that I've found the time to sort out my thoughts (and read more of the blog "I Like to Fork Myself"), I think I can infer a little, no, just dedicate a statement or blurb about my thoughts on Daul Kim.

When I first read the headline on Twitter or fashionologie, I seriously could not believe what I was reading. My initial reaction was, "What? You've got to be kidding me." Although I don't know much about Daul Kim, I was aware of her presence in the fashion world and I've seen quite a number of her editorials and campaigns in the glossies before, and I could only sit in disbelief--it seemed nearly impossible, too tragic to be real that she was gone at age 20.

It was only after she was gone that I discovered a link to her blog, which I began reading devoutly. Reports say she ended her own life. I find it the possibility both believable and impossible--believable in that she could've done it because she seemed so miserable, so conflicted, so pained in her most recent posts. But it also seemed surreal in that I got the sense that she was a strong woman, a fierce, free woman who would never do such a thing as to take her own life. I thought that she didn't find suicide an agreeable path when I read her post "why the fork" which she stated, "and thanks to stupid tv show from korea ppl think i like to torture myself and thanks to that im getting lots and lots of suicide emails on a daily basis but im definately not depressed, and i dont want to kill myself. i wish you all feel good about yourself and just think happy and listen to 80's music and smile and 'dance-walk' like boy george. AND PLEASE dont kill me.....cos i dont reply ur emails cos i dont want to die....." This was posted on 2007/04/18. Could so much have changed in two years? Could such a distinct, proud, fierce character have possibly taken a turn from her original sentiments? Could a person who declared she didn't want to die and bequeathed us all to smile and 'dance-walk' be the same person who ended her own life? I believe that Daul Kim is the embodiment of someone who is free in her thoughts; or the model for people who want to break free from the clutches of miserable society. She was different; she had a personality and philosphy-- she was the type of person I adored: someone with a deep mind, attitude, beauty, a flair, a strong belief in something.

Did Daul Kim's life end in misery? I don't know. But her poignant, bold, usually brief but concise, frank words and messages hold so much meaning to me. They were beautiful. They captured her sorrows, her glee, her memories, her thoughts. I've never been so powerfully impacted by writings of such a degree of simplicity and minimalism like I have by Daul Kim. She's a wonder.

I've glimpsed a wondrous being all too late, but my heart goes out to everyone in this world who definitely balked at the thought that Daul Kim will not return to us. It's also for such rare instances that I wish I knew the world better, knew people more intimately. Who knew what sort of matters truly troubled Daul Kim to factor into her death? Who could explain why she had such a fascination with blood, art, and such? Who could explain her frequent, electrifying dreams and her fascination with Japanese gangster movies? Who knew if she ever truly experienced a happy day without restraints? Nobody knows, I think.

There's a better word for Daul Kim. A better tribute.
Daul Kim was real.
She was real in every way.