Sunday, July 10, 2011

I can't cure myself.

One of the main things people notice about me is that I have an erratic and almost nonexistent sleep schedule.  

When I was a child,
There was this vague feeling that always accompanied me,
And I could never quite figure out what it was
Until now—as in, the teenage years.

It lurks in wait.
I am highly susceptible to it.
It never fails to find me.

Since when did loneliness become so palpable and pervasive in my life, and perhaps yours, too?

This is the reason I stay awake every night and refuse to sleep until I am utterly exhausted and thoroughly spent. I no longer want to think about it. I can’t stand to think about it in my waking hours any longer. I cannot bear lying in bed with a certain level of consciousness, because it will only feed this feeling and state of mind that never goes away. It doesn’t matter if my eyes are closed or wide open. If I am awake have enough energy left to think with, then I will become consumed by this thing that I think we all call loneliness.
But since I must keep myself awake, and since the night is so quiet, my mind cannot help but circle back to loneliness.

I am lonely.
I am lonely.
I am lonely.
I am lonely.
I am lonely.
I am lonely.
I am lonely.

It never leaves.

A sobering thought came to me today. This might be the one thing that I’ll never be able to escape.

It’s a shadow; a curse. I can’t kill it, I can’t rise above it, I can’t run from it, I can’t go anywhere without it following me relentlessly.

No matter what I do, it’s still here to torment me.

I have known loneliness for as long as I have known love.
Although I’ve never known love for another person, in the romantic and completing sense; I’ve known loneliness inside out—it robs me of everything at the end of the day, leaving me hollow.
Every day is a new day.

But the loneliness is what remains at the end of the day—something that I cannot change.

I can’t cure myself.