I have instinctively known this for all my life. Ever since I was younger, I always had this inherent belief in me. That I could never occupy the same space again, not exactly. Where I was standing one moment, if I went back to the "same" position, it still wouldn't truly be the same. It's hard to explain. But interestingly enough, this is one of my deepest of beliefs. And it has been with me for as long as I can remember.
But now this philosophy of mine rings stronger than ever.
Last semester was the time when things fell apart, much like the book I read in English class last semester by Chinua Achebe. Or they started to, at least. I kept fighting. I was in agony, and I was deeply unhappy. Toward the end of that terrible semester, which was probably the worst part of it all at that point, I found myself, very occasionally, wishfully thinking, "If only things could go back to the way they were." And more often, I found myself reassuring myself that I could go back to the way things were before my great slump. I could go back to being the stellar student that I was, with a stellar academic reputation.
But deep inside, I knew that that was not possible. I will never be the same person again. Never. Not the exact same girl I was the year before. You can never go back to the way things were. Time elapses, things change. But I can be better. That is my resolve. I will be stronger, I will be better. But it is simply impossible and against the foundations of my philosophy to even think that things will ever be the same.
Just like how I believed, and still believe, that you can never stand in the same exact spot more than once or that you can never occupy the very same space or atoms or whatever it is that this earth and air is composed of--I believe that you can never be the exact same person you were. You will change. Every day. You will never be the same. I will never be the same. That is simply how my life works--how I think. Yes, my love for everything that I have loved and presently love will still remain, but I cannot be the same as I was yesterday, or the day before, or the year before, and so on.
I've been meaning to write this post for quite a while, and it has always been on my mind, but I never really got to it or felt especially in the mood. But I just read Sputnik Sweetheart by Haruki Murakami, and it really inspired me. I swear, the man is a genius--he knows how I think and feel. Or Mr. Murakami simply shares my sentiments.
Here's the quote of the passage that inspired me:
"But tomorrow I'll be a different person, never again the person I was. Not that anyone will notice after I'm back in Japan. On the outside nothing will be different. But something inside has burned up and vanished. Blood has been shed and something inside me is gone. Head down, without a word, that something makes its exit. The door opens; the door shuts. The light goes out. This is the last day for the person I am right now. The very last twilight. When dawn comes, the person I am won't be here anymore. Someone else will occupy this body."
--Sputnik Sweetheart (Haruki Murakami)
This describes my life. My philosophy.
I have just shared with you, one of my most sacred beliefs. And it scares me, because I have always regarded this belief most highly, and no one else has ever known it. And I feel that no one really does--no one could understand this. Does anybody?