My aunt never ceases to render me aghast with her absurdities.
(Note: I have several aunts. I don’t normally talk about this one.)
I wanted to laugh, flip the table over, and stomp out of this house.
I have completely lost any respect I ever held for her.
I knew I should’ve been suspicious, that whatever “good” she did for me came at a price. Cook me some lunch, and what do I get? A huge, fucking ridiculous lecture. And this is the one thing she said that made me lose respect:
“The job you do doesn’t matter much. The most important thing in life is to have a lot of money—so just get a job that pays a lot. Because money will make you happy.”
And after that, she proclaimed that I should listen to her because she is a “smart woman.”
You know, it’s so mind-blowing that anyone can be so narrow-minded and (insert negative adjective here) so as to dare say something like that. You see—it’s so fucking ridiculous that I’m at a loss for words.
And I so badly wanted to avert my gaze. Not because I was afraid of her, but because I believed she did not deserve the respect of eye-contact from me. I was disgusted.
And later, when she left, she said, "You should research how much fashion editors make!" Lady, do you THINK I AM SO STUPID AS TO NOT RESEARCH ABOUT A CAREER BEFORE I THROW MYSELF AT IT?
"You should major in international trade. They make a lot of money. You should take more courses in computers and programming." Yaddy yaddy. Well, hello lady. Do I look like a businesswoman to you? Do I look like I am best friends with numbers and calculations? Do I seem the slightest bit suitable for that?
Damn it.
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I think my head is going to explode from everything everyone has ever said to me about quitting newspaper and about how I am going to fail and how no college will accept me.
Yes. I am failing right now--I pretty much had a B or B+ average since the second and third quarter. I have been down in the dumps for these few quarters.
But I honestly feel as though I have grown stronger and that I am making a comeback since, well, this Sunday. I did practically all my work, felt better than I ever have in ages, and I have been diligently doing work and have not been falling asleep in class these past few days. These past few days, no one has uttered a word to me about quitting newspaper, unlike the past month where I spent every day being ripped to pieces by my family.
Until this afternoon. When my aunt picked me up from after school, she started to talk most vehemently about how her coworker told her about her son, who got a 1900 on his SATs but only got accepted into two schools--two"bad" schools (GMU and VCU) because he didn't turn in homework or do well in classes the last two years of high school. She kept on repeating, over and over, how I will ultimately fail if I continue doing newspaper.
In my head, I was screaming incoherent words, sounds, to block out all the words she was saying. I was sincerely afraid that I would again become reduced to a piece of shit if I heard any more of her discouraging words (that's an understatement). I have told myself, and I believe it: I am strong. But during the whole car ride back, she literally was non-stop repeating, "Quit newspaper, you're going to fail if you don't and no college will accept you."
I could think of a thousand different retorts, a thousand different ways I'd argue back to that statement, but all I want to do right now is cry, honestly. Way to be strong.
But I'm definitely going to prove that I'll continue newspaper regardless of whatever anyone says, and that I'm going to get through high school better than I am now. I hesitate to say straight A's. But I'm going to pull myself up while keeping newspaper. I'm going to prove them wrong.
It just makes me so sad to think that no one has every believed in me, ever, even when I was getting all A's with the exception of one or two B+'s . I was having that good streak until the middle of second quarter this year, and now things have slid down. But throughout most of my life, I've gotten nothing but A's with the exception of one or two B's, and now, because of these past two/three quarters, my whole family thinks that I'm destined to fail/there is no hope for me.
Honestly, I dream of the day of graduation, when I will be standing at a podium NOT saying, "I am truly grateful for all the support my family has given me." YEAH RIGHT. I'll be saying, "HAH. FUCK YOU ALL WHO DIDN'T BELIEVE IN ME!" And I will have passed high school with flying colors.
Yes. I am failing right now--I pretty much had a B or B+ average since the second and third quarter. I have been down in the dumps for these few quarters.
But I honestly feel as though I have grown stronger and that I am making a comeback since, well, this Sunday. I did practically all my work, felt better than I ever have in ages, and I have been diligently doing work and have not been falling asleep in class these past few days. These past few days, no one has uttered a word to me about quitting newspaper, unlike the past month where I spent every day being ripped to pieces by my family.
Until this afternoon. When my aunt picked me up from after school, she started to talk most vehemently about how her coworker told her about her son, who got a 1900 on his SATs but only got accepted into two schools--two"bad" schools (GMU and VCU) because he didn't turn in homework or do well in classes the last two years of high school. She kept on repeating, over and over, how I will ultimately fail if I continue doing newspaper.
In my head, I was screaming incoherent words, sounds, to block out all the words she was saying. I was sincerely afraid that I would again become reduced to a piece of shit if I heard any more of her discouraging words (that's an understatement). I have told myself, and I believe it: I am strong. But during the whole car ride back, she literally was non-stop repeating, "Quit newspaper, you're going to fail if you don't and no college will accept you."
I could think of a thousand different retorts, a thousand different ways I'd argue back to that statement, but all I want to do right now is cry, honestly. Way to be strong.
But I'm definitely going to prove that I'll continue newspaper regardless of whatever anyone says, and that I'm going to get through high school better than I am now. I hesitate to say straight A's. But I'm going to pull myself up while keeping newspaper. I'm going to prove them wrong.
It just makes me so sad to think that no one has every believed in me, ever, even when I was getting all A's with the exception of one or two B+'s . I was having that good streak until the middle of second quarter this year, and now things have slid down. But throughout most of my life, I've gotten nothing but A's with the exception of one or two B's, and now, because of these past two/three quarters, my whole family thinks that I'm destined to fail/there is no hope for me.
Honestly, I dream of the day of graduation, when I will be standing at a podium NOT saying, "I am truly grateful for all the support my family has given me." YEAH RIGHT. I'll be saying, "HAH. FUCK YOU ALL WHO DIDN'T BELIEVE IN ME!" And I will have passed high school with flying colors.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Today I applied for a page editor position on my high school’s newspaper.
It means more than ‘a lot’ to me. But nobody realizes. But that’s not the point.
When my aunt found out later, she told me,
“I hope you don’t get the position.”
Because she thinks that my joining the newspaper has made me deviate from school.
When my dad came home today, he started attacking me (verbally, as usual) at dinner.
He gave me shit about me and journalism, and then he starts talking about how his friends’ daughters are getting “full scholarships” and how they’re all majoring in computer science or the medical field.
Well. Congratulations, you people I don’t know.
But I honestly don’t give a shit, even if my dad thinks that my current state and dreams are the most pitiful, shameful things he has seen all his life.
He goes on about, “If I were you, if I were younger, I’d be a doctor.”
Shut the fuck up. You’d end up killing people. You think everyone can be a doctor?
You think I can be one? You think I want to? You think I’m going to be making six figure salaries? Fuck you.
I should just starve myself from now on and skip dinner so I don’t have to fucking hear any of this anymore.
My aunt told my dad that she had a friend who had been working in journalism for twenty years, and now *has* to switch over to IT because the journalism industry is so shitty.
Hmm. Yeah. It sucks that I’ve ended up missing the technology bandwagon that’s so hot these days. I’m not a math or science geek. I’m not a lawyer. I’m not the miracle woman who can bring the dead back. I’M A FUCKING ARTIST.
If I were to wake up one day, and not have to hear any of this shit for a day, that would be heaven. Just how much longer will I have to put up with this?
Someday, I’m going to prove every single one of these people wrong. And it all sounds so sketchy with the ‘someday’, and right now I have no idea how I’ll go about accomplishing that task, but I am going to make every single person in this family that gave me this shit apologize to me.
I want to punch people who go, “Family is the most important thing. Do it for the sake of family! Trust your family 300%. Be obedient to your parents because they say so! Family will never hurt you!” Yeah. Meet my family and then we’ll talk.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
I feel betrayed. But I'm starting to think that maybe it was me--deceiving myself all along.
I tried to convince myself that this is what I had hoped for.
But now I am no longer sure.
I know it's stupid to hope for reciprocation, but giving my all, being taken for granted, and realizing that no one gives a fuck...how nice.
These past few days...I don't know what to do with anything anymore.
It's so silly that I actually come close to tears because of this.
I always thought that there would be people to maybe save me. But I realize that I was alone from the start, and in the end, that is still the case.
I tried to convince myself that this is what I had hoped for.
But now I am no longer sure.
I know it's stupid to hope for reciprocation, but giving my all, being taken for granted, and realizing that no one gives a fuck...how nice.
These past few days...I don't know what to do with anything anymore.
It's so silly that I actually come close to tears because of this.
I always thought that there would be people to maybe save me. But I realize that I was alone from the start, and in the end, that is still the case.
Monday, March 29, 2010
[diary] midnight piano with my sister
I expressed my doubts to one of my best friends. Directly quoting what I said earlier, "I don't know if the majority of people understand how terribly smart and sneaky little kids are." I think I have a point since I actually have a five-year-old sister. And three-year-old brother.
Although I might not spend a lot of time with them, when I do, it's normally to help them. Like piano practice with my little sister.
It usually goes smoother than it did today. I mean, tomorrow/later, she has a piano lesson at 10:30 a.m. It is currently 12:35 a.m. and we just finished one segment of practice. I told her I'd give her a 20 minute break, and we'd get back to practicing until she has 'perfected' all her pieces.
I'm a drill sergeant. I say "again" every time she finishes playing a piece if it isn't perfect. I've said "again" for at least 10 times in a row, literally. But it's for her own good. And I do that to myself, too. For the most part. But that is how I train her. And myself. I know she gets frustrated whenever I say "again" in a flat voice. But that's the only method that I can think of that works--repetition--grounding the concept into both her mind and fingers over and over again so that she knows it upside-down in her sleep. Whenever I review for tests, especially math and science, I do the same problems over and over again. Do the problem. Erase. Do the problem. Erase. Rinse and repeat. It's terribly monotonous and frustrating, yes, but I've gotten used to it and it seems to be my most successful method. I don't know what else that I can do to ground piano in my sister.
But after the most frustrating piano practice I've done with her, a part of me feels very sad, yet I feel troubled and wiser at the same time. I've already placed myself in my parents' shoes before. And this time I do it again. And again. And again. I try to reason about what it's like to be them. And then I try to reason about what it's like to be a five-year-old. So I know. I wish I could sit my sister down and explain why I'm "tormenting" her with these drills. I admit, often during this practice, I wanted to do something abrupt because I was so aggravated. But I didn't yell at her like my parents. I didn't slam my hands on the table or piano like I would have wanted to. I didn't slam her hands on the keys like my first piano teacher. I'm sure that often, when I don't obey my parents, that's exactly what they want to do--dole out physical punishment. Or say terrible words. They do that. But they don't do physical punishment. But I still think it's just as bad. But when I was practicing piano with my sister for those consecutive two hours, I really wanted to yell, shout.
I am seriously dubious of how difficult this really is. It's hard to explain, but if I know you in person, I'll show you. I honestly don't think I had this much difficulty with piano even when I was her age doing the same thing. I often suspected that my sister was intentionally pretending not to know how to play certain parts just so she could try my patience.
As if the entire world hasn't tested my patience today.
Today was a truly terrible day. A perpetual headache. More than annoying, nosy, loud relatives. No peace, no quiet. Just claustrophobia, a racket of gossip, practicing piano without very fruitful results for two hours. No stomach for food.
Whenever I get frustrated, mad, or sad, I have no stomach for food. Either that or I start indiscriminately binging--stuffing whole foods into my mouth and tearing savagely, swallowing in huge gulps, blinking back hot tears. That happens quite often--well, at least, when I'm sad/mad at meal times. Today I stuffed a whole square of radish cake (蘿蔔糕) into my mouth after being unhappy with dinner (because I was in a foul mood I couldn't savor the food).
Anyhoo. Back to the subject of practicing with my sister.
She just went to sleep despite my mandate of resuming practice in 20 minutes. That means I'll have to wake up around 8 or so and wake her up to practice. Didn't I say I was a drill sergeant?
While I may not do everything that I have to recently, when I do do it, I put my mind to it for the most part. Discipline is something that I lack but also have. Repetition is one of the pillars of my methods. You could say that I have a lot of discipline, but at the same time, you could also say that I can be reckless and wild.
I just can't stomach the fact that if my sister doesn't do well in her piano lesson tomorrow, I will bear the brunt of it from my parents. And I myself will feel guilty and responsible, because I am responsible for her success this time.
But I know, that it's frustrating. For me, for my sister, for my parents, for everyone in the world who has family.
Although I might not spend a lot of time with them, when I do, it's normally to help them. Like piano practice with my little sister.
It usually goes smoother than it did today. I mean, tomorrow/later, she has a piano lesson at 10:30 a.m. It is currently 12:35 a.m. and we just finished one segment of practice. I told her I'd give her a 20 minute break, and we'd get back to practicing until she has 'perfected' all her pieces.
I'm a drill sergeant. I say "again" every time she finishes playing a piece if it isn't perfect. I've said "again" for at least 10 times in a row, literally. But it's for her own good. And I do that to myself, too. For the most part. But that is how I train her. And myself. I know she gets frustrated whenever I say "again" in a flat voice. But that's the only method that I can think of that works--repetition--grounding the concept into both her mind and fingers over and over again so that she knows it upside-down in her sleep. Whenever I review for tests, especially math and science, I do the same problems over and over again. Do the problem. Erase. Do the problem. Erase. Rinse and repeat. It's terribly monotonous and frustrating, yes, but I've gotten used to it and it seems to be my most successful method. I don't know what else that I can do to ground piano in my sister.
But after the most frustrating piano practice I've done with her, a part of me feels very sad, yet I feel troubled and wiser at the same time. I've already placed myself in my parents' shoes before. And this time I do it again. And again. And again. I try to reason about what it's like to be them. And then I try to reason about what it's like to be a five-year-old. So I know. I wish I could sit my sister down and explain why I'm "tormenting" her with these drills. I admit, often during this practice, I wanted to do something abrupt because I was so aggravated. But I didn't yell at her like my parents. I didn't slam my hands on the table or piano like I would have wanted to. I didn't slam her hands on the keys like my first piano teacher. I'm sure that often, when I don't obey my parents, that's exactly what they want to do--dole out physical punishment. Or say terrible words. They do that. But they don't do physical punishment. But I still think it's just as bad. But when I was practicing piano with my sister for those consecutive two hours, I really wanted to yell, shout.
I am seriously dubious of how difficult this really is. It's hard to explain, but if I know you in person, I'll show you. I honestly don't think I had this much difficulty with piano even when I was her age doing the same thing. I often suspected that my sister was intentionally pretending not to know how to play certain parts just so she could try my patience.
As if the entire world hasn't tested my patience today.
Today was a truly terrible day. A perpetual headache. More than annoying, nosy, loud relatives. No peace, no quiet. Just claustrophobia, a racket of gossip, practicing piano without very fruitful results for two hours. No stomach for food.
Whenever I get frustrated, mad, or sad, I have no stomach for food. Either that or I start indiscriminately binging--stuffing whole foods into my mouth and tearing savagely, swallowing in huge gulps, blinking back hot tears. That happens quite often--well, at least, when I'm sad/mad at meal times. Today I stuffed a whole square of radish cake (蘿蔔糕) into my mouth after being unhappy with dinner (because I was in a foul mood I couldn't savor the food).
Anyhoo. Back to the subject of practicing with my sister.
She just went to sleep despite my mandate of resuming practice in 20 minutes. That means I'll have to wake up around 8 or so and wake her up to practice. Didn't I say I was a drill sergeant?
While I may not do everything that I have to recently, when I do do it, I put my mind to it for the most part. Discipline is something that I lack but also have. Repetition is one of the pillars of my methods. You could say that I have a lot of discipline, but at the same time, you could also say that I can be reckless and wild.
I just can't stomach the fact that if my sister doesn't do well in her piano lesson tomorrow, I will bear the brunt of it from my parents. And I myself will feel guilty and responsible, because I am responsible for her success this time.
But I know, that it's frustrating. For me, for my sister, for my parents, for everyone in the world who has family.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
[diary] my cranium hurts. sigh.
Today was not one of the best of days. I should scan in this fucking awesome doodle/rant I whipped up during Chem class. It talks about wanting to bitchslap a certain guy and laments about the unfairness of the classroom (*cough*specifically the teacher*cough*). But I'm too lazy and my head hurts and that has been my legitimate excuse for everything.
Where specifically does my head/brain hurt? In the back, between the occipital lobe and cerebellum. Here are some possible factors:
1) I ate breakfast at approximately 2:15 p.m. It was a banana. A single banana.
2) I only drank water in the morning when I was leaving the house.
3) I seriously think that I tried the hardest today in P.E. than I ever have in my whole life. On jump roping--cross, can can,trivialthings like that. I am apparently not too good at jump roping since I still ended up failing even though I practiced the whole class T_T
4) Newspaper.
5) Andromeda.
6) Thinking about the mammoth amount of reading I must complete tonight.
7) Rinse and repeat.
I started typing this about fifteen minutes ago, and my cranium still hurts. It has been hurting since this afternoon.
But I think today was pretty notable (other than Chemistry) in that...
1) I took photographs for Lynh for International Night practice. This time around I wasn't as afraid of climbing on chairs and getting down for shots even though I wore a skirt today.
2) I wore a skirt today!
3) I don't know...so much going on....
4) Newspaper. I drew the comic strip, though in my opinion, looks terrible.
5) My column will not be appearing in the print edition of issue 6. ...
6) Since I didn't have the guts or time to eat lunch today, I missed out on SPAGHETTI. (cries) I haven't had spaghetti in forever...
Damn Thursday, why can't you have been Friday?
Where specifically does my head/brain hurt? In the back, between the occipital lobe and cerebellum. Here are some possible factors:
1) I ate breakfast at approximately 2:15 p.m. It was a banana. A single banana.
2) I only drank water in the morning when I was leaving the house.
3) I seriously think that I tried the hardest today in P.E. than I ever have in my whole life. On jump roping--cross, can can,
4) Newspaper.
5) Andromeda.
6) Thinking about the mammoth amount of reading I must complete tonight.
7) Rinse and repeat.
I started typing this about fifteen minutes ago, and my cranium still hurts. It has been hurting since this afternoon.
But I think today was pretty notable (other than Chemistry) in that...
1) I took photographs for Lynh for International Night practice. This time around I wasn't as afraid of climbing on chairs and getting down for shots even though I wore a skirt today.
2) I wore a skirt today!
3) I don't know...so much going on....
4) Newspaper. I drew the comic strip, though in my opinion, looks terrible.
5) My column will not be appearing in the print edition of issue 6. ...
6) Since I didn't have the guts or time to eat lunch today, I missed out on SPAGHETTI. (cries) I haven't had spaghetti in forever...
Damn Thursday, why can't you have been Friday?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
decline
"Hey, come to my party!"
"I'm sorry, I've got science fair and this and that to do."
"Oh."
--
"Hey, you wanna hang out tomorrow?"
"Yeah, but I've got this and that to do, too."
"How about next week?"
"Uh, I think I have an appointment of some sort."
--
Dammit. I hate having to decline invitations just because of school. Am I going to live the life of a hermit for 20 years to be a stellar student?
"I'm sorry, I've got science fair and this and that to do."
"Oh."
--
"Hey, you wanna hang out tomorrow?"
"Yeah, but I've got this and that to do, too."
"How about next week?"
"Uh, I think I have an appointment of some sort."
--
Dammit. I hate having to decline invitations just because of school. Am I going to live the life of a hermit for 20 years to be a stellar student?
Monday, February 2, 2009
Incandescent
I love incandescent lightbulbs compared to fluorescent ones. Incandscent light is so much more mellow--the light is yellowish, softer, warmer...
My dad just replaced my incandescent light with a fluorescent light. (sigh)
My dad just replaced my incandescent light with a fluorescent light. (sigh)
Monday, January 19, 2009
[update] Flickr
;_; I used up my monthly photo upload limit on Flickr to bring you two new shots (darn Flickr has a monthly limit of 100MB!) argh....
unlimited vivacity
and
<veins of light
unlimited vivacity
and
<veins of light
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Nitpicking on nitwits?
It seems like all the elders of my family always have something to nitpick on, whether it's your hair, the way you walk, or what you eat. Or those big things, like school and crap.
Monday, September 22, 2008
The Current Disney is a Shame
What the hell is up with Disney? They're producing all sorts of phony stars, like the Jo Bros and Miley Cyrus. Not to mention those silly shows, "Camp Rock" and "Hannah Montana." Oh. And High School Musical.
Where did the good, classical Disney go? Like Bambi, Snow White, and Cinderella? And Peter Pan?
Where did the good, classical Disney go? Like Bambi, Snow White, and Cinderella? And Peter Pan?
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