Friday, April 30, 2010

[photographic diary] week 16

If you aren't reading this via my blog, BOO YOU.

Let me be swallowed by darkness.
Well, don't I sound cheerful.
swallowed by darkness

Hi. Don't have much to say for an introduction, so let's get right with it:

day 115
day 115: loooop

day 116
day 116: o

day 117
day 117: tpt backroom

day 118
day 118: lines

day 119
day 119: kristen

Despite being unhappier than ever in life, I'm a little more pleased with my photographs. I think they have a different, edgier feel to them. Moodier, maybe deeper, hopefully. I can't decide on a favorite. And I have tons more photographs that I have never uploaded onto Flickr that I can't wait to show soon. I should take a photograph for today but I'm not in the mood. We'll see.


i draw with a mouse. not really.

Click the photograph above to go the Tumblr page and then click on that photo to see a really kickass website.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

My dad just told me that he has "given up on me" and that he doesn't "give a damn." He even said it in front of my mother's altar.


Honestly, if this were the me from a year ago, I would be scared out of my wits, quietly begging for forgiveness in my head.

But right now I don't feel anything like that. I might be a little afraid--of what this brings, a little angry that he doesn't understand anything besides red letters that supposedly determine a person's fate and intellectual, and a little sad that things have become like "this," and certainly confused--not confused as in "I don't know how this happen" but confused as in, "Where do I go now?"

As you may or may not know, the past two or three weeks have truthfully been one of the worst of my life. Everything is taking its toll.

My mind is in a mess. I'm not particularly worried that he doesn't give a damn about me--when has he truly ever? It's more like how I ought to show my face in my house, if I should starve myself and avoid eating dinner, if I should walk across the highway to get to my piano lesson instead of relying on my dad.

So I'm not sure if he said it as a warning or if it is in act right now: he said he's not paying for my college tuition.

It's not like I want you to. If it were legal for me to work, I'd have gotten a job long ago.

I want to run away from my house. I've imagined this scenario a lot of times, but it never really comes to fruition even in my imagination.I'm not that gutsy, unfortunately. And I don't really have any money of my own. If I did, I would buy a one-way ticket to someplace far away--it doesn't even have to be New York City. Just anywhere far away from this place so that I'll never have to come back, so that they can't ever find me again.

But that's running away, and I don't do that. I unfortunately stand, maybe quiver a bit, but stand my ground and fight it head on.

For a moment there, I felt my eyes water. But now the terrible sensation is gone, and my hands feel very cold, and I feel hollow and unmoved. I don't know what to make of it.

I think I've come to a point in the road where I have full-on slammed into a barrier that for the time being is unbreakable. I kept telling myself I would overcome it and smash through it completely, that I am strong, but now it seems as if I am nothing now, and I have nothing.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

color quiz

My results were kind of close, I guess. Underlined phrases are the most resonant.

Your Existing Situation
Works well with others. Needs personal relationships which are understanding and relatively conflict-free.

Your Stress Sources
"Feels as if she is in an impossible situation, she has lost the trust and respect of others and feels she is being treated unfairly and with no consideration whatsoever. she feels unappreciated which is bruising her self-esteem, but feels helpless to do anything about it. Feels misunderstood and alone, as if no one is willing to help her with the problems she faces. she needs constant attention and encouragement, but she is getting neither of those things and it is bringing her down. she needs to escape the situation, but feels helpless to do anything or make a decision toward a solution."

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels unhappy and isolated because she is unable to succeed in finding the cooperation and understanding she desires.
"Feels she is not receiving her fair share and is unable to rely on anyone for support or sympathy. she keeps her emotions bottled up, leaving her quick to take offense to small things. she tries to make the best of her situation."
"Believes her hopes and dreams are realistic, but needs reassurance from others. Has strict standards when looking for a partner and wants guarantees that she will not be disappointed or lose."

Your Desired Objective
Feels as if her hopes and dreams have been unfairly stomped on by others. Irritated and upset with her current situation which she feels is an insult to her true desires.

Your Actual Problem
Has high standards of herself and feels she cannot reach those standards nor is she able to prove herself to others which is bringing her undo stress and tension. Attempts to escape from her own demands with a defensive attitude where she refuses to show any type of commitment or involvement.

Your Actual Problem #2
Finds herself too trusting and needs protection from this because she feels people will take advantage or misunderstand her. she hides her true feelings by being highly critical and distant, unwilling to participate unless she knows the intent is honest.

Take the color quiz here.

tpt in the motions of issue 7

Saturday, April 24, 2010

[photographic diary] week 14 + 15 megapost


drawing on curtains in the dark

Hi everyone! These past two days have been perhaps the happiest days of the year thus far. Or most peaceful.


  • Found 22 clovers in one patch with my best friend Cindy when we went to Franklin Middle School after school
  • Found out that I would be Arts & Style editor of The Purple Tide
  • Woke up at 7 a.m. and actually felt fine.
  • Volunteered at yard sale at CHS with Cindy and also got a little vintage photography book from the year 1986!
  • TPT workday - had the most hilarious time with Chloe and Caroline, who are masters of accents. And also had a fail moment related to cupcakes (sorry Caroline. And Chloe).
  • Met Kanna and hung out with her at Reston Town Center for the rest of the day
  • Many other crazy things
We'll call it the calm before the storm. Tomorrow I have to take the AP World History Diagnostic test, Spanish PALS, and do a TON of English. Eep.

Well, anyway, get ready for a megapost:
day 100
day 100: i hope my neighbors weren't spying on me

day 101
day 101: 41110

day 102
day 102: you're never fully dressed without a smile (grin)!

day 103
day 103: bring it on, bitches

day 106

day 107
day 107: lovely little lady

day 108
day 108: dynamic duo

day 109
day 109: silhouette ambiance

day 110
day 110: let me go

day 111
day 111: secret

day 112
day 112: waiting for the change that came

day 113
day 113

day 114
day 114: kanna & me

Well, as you (might) be able to see... I've been angry and sad for the past two weeks. But you know what?

I'm strong.

And so I'll keep forging ahead.

And I've also been very happy since this Friday.

But now it's time to return to reality and face the impending dangers of school.

What I feel right now--is very peculiar. Definitely anxious. But also a bit happy and daring at the same time--the way you'd feel when telling someone that you'd kick their ass. In this case--school.

On another note, I feel as though my photography has been very moody. What do you think of it? What's your favorite?

I've got tons more photographs at my Flickr photostream, by the way:

hallway mood no 2

Thursday, April 22, 2010

foggy mornings mark change

I woke up this morning and headed out to the bus stop after doing the routine.

There was a heavy fog.

I rather liked it, but found it quite peculiar since there is rarely a morning that is foggy, especially to this extent.

I think that heavy fog's presence, and its clearing signified something. It's a symbol for change.

If the news is truly correct and confirmed, I will be the Arts & Style editor of The Purple Tide next year.

I feel at a loss for words. It's hard to fathom right now, and I am definitely feeling a bit incredulous. It seems like it is (so far) the only thing that has happened in the past few months that I'd actually hoped for. We will see how things go from here.


sleepy town

day 112: waiting for the change that came

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Today I applied for a page editor position on my high school’s newspaper.

It means more than ‘a lot’ to me. But nobody realizes. But that’s not the point.

When my aunt found out later, she told me,

“I hope you don’t get the position.”

Because she thinks that my joining the newspaper has made me deviate from school.

When my dad came home today, he started attacking me (verbally, as usual) at dinner.

He gave me shit about me and journalism, and then he starts talking about how his friends’ daughters are getting “full scholarships” and how they’re all majoring in computer science or the medical field.

Well. Congratulations, you people I don’t know.

But I honestly don’t give a shit, even if my dad thinks that my current state and dreams are the most pitiful, shameful things he has seen all his life.

He goes on about, “If I were you, if I were younger, I’d be a doctor.”

Shut the fuck up. You’d end up killing people. You think everyone can be a doctor?

You think I can be one? You think I want to? You think I’m going to be making six figure salaries? Fuck you.

I should just starve myself from now on and skip dinner so I don’t have to fucking hear any of this anymore.

My aunt told my dad that she had a friend who had been working in journalism for twenty years, and now *has* to switch over to IT because the journalism industry is so shitty.

Hmm. Yeah. It sucks that I’ve ended up missing the technology bandwagon that’s so hot these days. I’m not a math or science geek. I’m not a lawyer. I’m not the miracle woman who can bring the dead back. I’M A FUCKING ARTIST.

If I were to wake up one day, and not have to hear any of this shit for a day, that would be heaven. Just how much longer will I have to put up with this?

Someday, I’m going to prove every single one of these people wrong. And it all sounds so sketchy with the ‘someday’, and right now I have no idea how I’ll go about accomplishing that task, but I am going to make every single person in this family that gave me this shit apologize to me.

I want to punch people who go, “Family is the most important thing. Do it for the sake of family! Trust your family 300%. Be obedient to your parents because they say so! Family will never hurt you!” Yeah. Meet my family and then we’ll talk.

So today was my interview with the editorial board. Yikes?

Actually it wasn't that terrifying.

They called me in twenty minutes ahead of schedule. That unnerved me a little. But it wasn't as unsettling after that. Though there were questions that I answered the way an idiot would. I knew the answer. Just couldn't process it without sounding like I didn't know a crap.

I can think of a thousand things that I could've said instead to some of the questions. I forgot to mention a lot of things, too.

Every time I think about it, I facepalm myself.

But I think that it went, overall, quite well. The strangest thing is that even though there were seven people in the room at the same time, all siting before me asking questions one by one, I didn't feel as scared and blindsided compared to the only two other interviews I've ever done in my life--for the literary magazine.

But anyway.

We'll see how this goes.

The plus is that I wore a dress, I guess. I thought it looked pretty good, and I was deliberating between my Bally black heels or the white flats I actually wore today. My aunt thought that was a terrible choice, but I thought the white flats went well with my overall dark grey/black dress and tights...


And she also asked me "what was the occasion" since it's not every day that you get to see me "dressing up." I told her it was for my interview to possibly become a page editor.

She said, very frankly, "Well, I hope you don't get the position."

She hopes I don't get the position I want since she believes newspaper is the cause of my 'wildness' and disobedience and general lack of motivation to do 'actual' school work.

As much as I love my aunt (which is a whole lot), I think there's a limit to these sorts of situations.

But eh.

Newspaper means so much more to me that I doubt people could understand. It is the only thing I can really see myself actually having the potential to do. That might change, but right now, this is one of the only things I that I have going for me that I actually love.

We'll see how this goes.

Monday, April 19, 2010

[diary] fun fair + recital

day 107: lovely little lady

My friends have always been my number one people to turn to. Not even my parents come close, honestly.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

it's been one hell of a week

Dear all,

For those that have been reading my most recent notes and photographs, you can probably tell I haven't really had a great week. I believe that it has been one of the worst weeks. And it still hasn't ended.

I'm a girl that happens to be the polar opposite of what her family would ever want.

My grades are the opposite of stellar and general crap in school is pulling me down.

I felt like I fought a war in high school journalism. But I'm probably way too serious about it.

But for the most part, I think I'm headed towards better days soon--once I get through tomorrow, which is my piano recital.

This week has been really tumultuous. It started off like shit and persisted that way Lees Corner Fun Fair. Pretty hectic, but I learned something (how to apply tattoos!) and it was great to work with little kids.

Well. I think I'm sticking true to my promise.

I am strong.

I hope you've had a good week. We'll see some updates here soon.


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I feel betrayed. But I'm starting to think that maybe it was me--deceiving myself all along.

I tried to convince myself that this is what I had hoped for.

But now I am no longer sure.

I know it's stupid to hope for reciprocation, but giving my all, being taken for granted, and realizing that no one gives a nice.

These past few days...I don't know what to do with anything anymore.

It's so silly that I actually come close to tears because of this.

I always thought that there would be people to maybe save me. But I realize that I was alone from the start, and in the end, that is still the case.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

to never forget 41110

day 101: 4.11.10

I will not forget this day.

The tension between my father and I came to a head today. He was the only one in a frothing rage, shouting the most terrible things to me that I've ever heard from him about me. He has always said plenty of terrible things to me, but today was the worst of it all so far.

Normally in this situation, I would've been very afraid and I'd be praying in my head for forgiveness, but today was different.

I was not afraid that he was angry (understatement) with me. I was only indignant, and dangerously calm.

I will not forget this day.

I will triumph.

I will be strong.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

[photographic diary] week 12 + 13 MEGAPOST


the dreamer is closer to her death
the dreamer is closer to her death

Hi all. It wasn't until earlier this week (i.e. Wednesday) that I noticed that I forgot to do last week's update. So I'm squishing it in with this week's. That means it's weeks 12+13 combined!

And guess what?! Today is the 100th day of my project 365! :D

But I haven't exactly been very good at being consistent with it... (sigh)

day 86
day 86: telephone

day 87
day 87: diamond doves

day 88
day 88: soul less

day 89
day 89: last love

day 90
day 90: gone with the wind

day 91
day 91: she's a pioneer

day 92
day 92: i've entrenched myself in a rut

day 93
day 93: the grand sketch

day 95
day 95: awakening at dusk

day 97
day 97

day 98
day 98: hands in the dark

And technically this is part of week 14 (the new week), but since I missed 3 days (did you notice which ones??), it's a bonus:

day 100
day 100: i hope my neighbors weren't spying on me

It probably isn't that evident, but apparently my life went from utter happiness in week 12 to utter hell in week 13. A lot of things have happened, and lately I have been contemplating a lot of decisions. Newspaper and my fate especially.

My mistakes have been taking their toll on my life.